The Most Suspicious Things Authors Have Ever Done

I've read a lot of fantasy books.

A lot.

Enough to notice...

Authors are an incredibly suspicious group of people.

At first I thought it was coincidence.

Now?

I'm convinced they're all meeting in secret.

Probably in a candlelit library somewhere.

Laughing.

Taking notes.

Trying to decide how to emotionally damage us next.

Here is my evidence.

📖 Ending Every Chapter Like This...

“The door slowly creaked open...”

...

EXCUSE ME?

That's the end?

You can't just stop there.

I was about to go to bed.

Now I need another chapter.

Then another.

Then suddenly it's 2:43 in the morning and Maria is asking why the kettle is on again.

Highly suspicious behaviour.

💔 Making Me Love Someone...

...and then immediately putting them in terrible danger.

Why?

Why introduce the funniest character in the entire book...

Only to have them walk into obvious disaster three chapters later?

I don't appreciate emotional ambushes.

🗺️ Giving Us Beautiful Maps...

...then refusing to let the characters visit half of it.

There are mysterious forests.

Hidden islands.

Tiny villages.

One mountain called something incredibly dramatic like...

“The Peak of Eternal Screaming.”

Do we ever go there?

No.

Then why put it on the map?

I have questions.

☕ Introducing Cosy Taverns...

...for exactly three pages.

The fire is warm.

The soup smells amazing.

Everyone finally gets to relax.

I'm thinking, “Wonderful. We can stay here forever.”

Wrong.

Five minutes later...

Someone bursts through the door shouting, “THE KINGDOM IS UNDER ATTACK!”

Honestly...

Could everyone calm down until I've finished my hot chocolate?

🐉 Naming Characters Things I Can't Pronounce

I spend half the book wondering whether I'm saying someone's name correctly.

Is it...

Aelthryndor?

Aelthryndar?

Aelthryndel?

Steve?

Please.

Think of the dragons.

⚔️ Creating Villains Who Make Excellent Points

This is incredibly unfair.

Halfway through the story I find myself thinking...

“Well...

...he's not entirely wrong.”

Then I remember he's trying to destroy civilisation.

Very confusing.

📚 Inventing Magical Libraries...

...and never giving us enough time to explore them.

Every fantasy book contains at least one incredible library.

Thousands of ancient books.

Secret passageways.

Dusty shelves.

Possibly one cursed dictionary.

Do the characters spend weeks exploring?

No.

They run through it for six minutes while being chased.

Rude.

😭 Writing One Sentence...

That somehow destroys my entire emotional stability.

Everything is fine.

Everyone is happy.

Then...

One tiny sentence.

Nine words.

Suddenly I'm staring into space wondering what happiness even means.

How do they do that?

Magic.

It has to be magic.

🛒 Releasing Book Two...

...months after I finish Book One.

This should be illegal.

I've been emotionally suspended.

I need answers.

Not patience.